January 27th, a true story.

Last night I worked at one of my favorite comedy clubs in the world called Zanies Comedy Club in Chicago. It’s a great club and due to the size, atmosphere, sound and all the other factors comics like to blame other clubs for not having thus being the reason for a bad set, this club has it all! Well what happened last night was the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me at a comedy club. Here’s what happened. But before we start it’s important you understand a long untold history of comedy club warfare between comedy club comics and comedy club servers. Thousands of years ago when the first comedy club was built they said to themselves “Hey we should sell food and stuff to the people laughing. We would make more money and the people we hire to bring them booze and nachos can sex with the comedians after the show.” This plan worked good for a while but somewhere along the line it was too much for the servers, they realized the comics didn’t respect them like they should for their hard work and would even sometimes make fun of them from the stage. The servers found the comics rude and immature and the comics found the servers smug and poor. AND the battle began. That was in like 1835 or something.  Let’s fast forward to 2012. Last night I was doing the second and final show of the night. In comedy when they shine a flashlight from the back of the room at you that is your cue to wrap up the show. But sometimes you aren’t ready to get off stage and as an artist you can’t just say “OKAY GOODNIGHT!” you wanna finish strong and make the show feel complete and make the audience feel like we came full circle. Well I know if I stay up there 5 minutes longer then I’m supposed to the servers are gonna start cramping and shooting period blood all over the joint while yelling and slamming pans on their head. So last night I was feeling especially insensitive to the servers and wanted to give the audience the show they paid for. I stayed up their 10 minutes longer then I was supposed to. Well this pissed the servers off so much that 2 of them died on the spot. One just started rocking back and forth whispering in tongues. One of the servers who’s birth name is Bitchmouth was the most upset. She was so upset that after I was done with my set she started mouthing off to me about how I need to “understand how it works” and that “once I see the light I get one more joke and then I have to get off stage”. This kinda pissed me off so I said to her “Listen Bitchmouth, I’m sick of your bitchy little mouth and if I was your momma I would’ve named you SHITmouth!” she without hesitation made a growling demon sound and broke a FULL hot coffee pot over my face. I reached back as far as I could and gave her 8 smacks in the face reminiscent of E Hondas famous street fighter style. She gabbed a small pizza oven and hit me in my privates. I fell to the ground and while down there I grabbed a handful of comedy club dirt, I threw it in Bitchmouth’s face. As she was blinded she slightly turned away from me when I kicked her in the back sending her flying forward where her face slammed into the ice machine. She started throwing up and I tried to kick her again but she moved and grabbed my good kicking leg, she slammed me into the ice machine that still had puke on it. I reached for my revolver when she struck me in the head with the butt end of a shotgun over and over. I don’t remember much after that. I woke up in the trunk of a car, I’m still in it. I’ve been typing all this on my fancy LA iPhone. So if you are reading this please please send for help. And if I don’t make it tell the people that the comics are the real heroes of the comedy clubs NOT the servers. I don’t want this to sound like I don’t like servers because that’s not true. I used to be one! But I am saying when they start getting rude and bitchy I don’t like it. When I was a server I knew my job was to “serve”, that is short for SERVANT. I knew if I did my serving really well I would be compensated generously with a thing called tips. The nicer and harder I worked the more $ I made. I don’t pretend that their job is easy but I know you shouldn’t yell at me about MY job either! Could you imagine being at NBA game and the popcorn vender yelling at the basketball players to hurry up and finish the game because they wanna go home. No way! Lebron would go right up to the popcorn vender and tell him to “Eat rocks!” and then kick him in his dumb pop corn nuts.  In conclusion I think all men were created equal and squirrels are really really cute.

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