January 27th, a true story.

Last night I worked at one of my favorite comedy clubs in the world called Zanies Comedy Club in Chicago. It’s a great club and due to the size, atmosphere, sound and all the other factors comics like to blame other clubs for not having thus being the reason for a bad set, this club has it all! Well what happened last night was the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me at a comedy club. Here’s what happened. But before we start it’s important you understand a long untold history of comedy club warfare between comedy club comics and comedy club servers. Thousands of years ago when the first comedy club was built they said to themselves “Hey we should sell food and stuff to the people laughing. We would make more money and the people we hire to bring them booze and nachos can sex with the comedians after the show.” This plan worked good for a while but somewhere along the line it was too much for the servers, they realized the comics didn’t respect them like they should for their hard work and would even sometimes make fun of them from the stage. The servers found the comics rude and immature and the comics found the servers smug and poor. AND the battle began. That was in like 1835 or something.  Let’s fast forward to 2012. Last night I was doing the second and final show of the night. In comedy when they shine a flashlight from the back of the room at you that is your cue to wrap up the show. But sometimes you aren’t ready to get off stage and as an artist you can’t just say “OKAY GOODNIGHT!” you wanna finish strong and make the show feel complete and make the audience feel like we came full circle. Well I know if I stay up there 5 minutes longer then I’m supposed to the servers are gonna start cramping and shooting period blood all over the joint while yelling and slamming pans on their head. So last night I was feeling especially insensitive to the servers and wanted to give the audience the show they paid for. I stayed up their 10 minutes longer then I was supposed to. Well this pissed the servers off so much that 2 of them died on the spot. One just started rocking back and forth whispering in tongues. One of the servers who’s birth name is Bitchmouth was the most upset. She was so upset that after I was done with my set she started mouthing off to me about how I need to “understand how it works” and that “once I see the light I get one more joke and then I have to get off stage”. This kinda pissed me off so I said to her “Listen Bitchmouth, I’m sick of your bitchy little mouth and if I was your momma I would’ve named you SHITmouth!” she without hesitation made a growling demon sound and broke a FULL hot coffee pot over my face. I reached back as far as I could and gave her 8 smacks in the face reminiscent of E Hondas famous street fighter style. She gabbed a small pizza oven and hit me in my privates. I fell to the ground and while down there I grabbed a handful of comedy club dirt, I threw it in Bitchmouth’s face. As she was blinded she slightly turned away from me when I kicked her in the back sending her flying forward where her face slammed into the ice machine. She started throwing up and I tried to kick her again but she moved and grabbed my good kicking leg, she slammed me into the ice machine that still had puke on it. I reached for my revolver when she struck me in the head with the butt end of a shotgun over and over. I don’t remember much after that. I woke up in the trunk of a car, I’m still in it. I’ve been typing all this on my fancy LA iPhone. So if you are reading this please please send for help. And if I don’t make it tell the people that the comics are the real heroes of the comedy clubs NOT the servers. I don’t want this to sound like I don’t like servers because that’s not true. I used to be one! But I am saying when they start getting rude and bitchy I don’t like it. When I was a server I knew my job was to “serve”, that is short for SERVANT. I knew if I did my serving really well I would be compensated generously with a thing called tips. The nicer and harder I worked the more $ I made. I don’t pretend that their job is easy but I know you shouldn’t yell at me about MY job either! Could you imagine being at NBA game and the popcorn vender yelling at the basketball players to hurry up and finish the game because they wanna go home. No way! Lebron would go right up to the popcorn vender and tell him to “Eat rocks!” and then kick him in his dumb pop corn nuts.  In conclusion I think all men were created equal and squirrels are really really cute.

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Things I Accomplished in 2011

Here is a list of all the things I accomplished in 2011

I generated enough head mucus to go through 12 boxes of tissue.

I was followed by wheat thins on Twitter.

I became a designer on Emmy award winning network television show with no design experience whatsoever.

I bought a flat Iron.

I saved Arkam City on Xbox.

My plants, and dog survived another year.

I got involved in civil rights… Okay I saw a movie about apartide.

I grew a beard then shaved it, then grew it back and then shaved it again. 

Traveled the world, by world I mean Canada and by traveled I mean visited. 

Successfully fought the temptation of pornography if you don’t count the Internet. 

I watched the entire first season of “Little wonder” 

Taped my second MTV show that the tell me will air in 2012. (like I’m gonna fall for that again) 

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“The Sitter” Movie Review

“The Sitter”

So today I trekked my half drunk well slept in ass to the incredible movie theatre in San Antonio called the Alamo Draft house.. Why it’s called that?  I don’t remember.  Since there weren’t a lot of options I chose to see the movie “The Sitter”. This is a movie starring the Formally fat Jonah Hill in a movie where he takes a babysitting job and then in a pursuit to get his GF who treats him like shit and is entirely not as hot as the movie wants you to think she is some cocaine so that he can have sex with her.  Because all of this happens while he takes the babysitting job he thinks it’s a good idea to take the kids with him on the drug run and then the shenanigans ensue. The movie is cute and fun at times but it was strange that at times it’s a raunchy comedy and then at other times extremely family-movie-ish. To an audience this is confusing. If I’m seeing a family movie I will put up with corny, crappy, hack jokes that cater to middle aged moms who think its funny when a woman does something a man can’t in a scene. And if I’m seeing a raunchy comedy I will not be surprised when there is an opening scene of Jonah Hill eating a girl out. Side note Jonah Hill is always eating.  But I find it really confusing when the 2 are mixed together. It was like the “Hangover”  meets “RV”.  Hangover being that movie that made Zack Galifinakis mainstream and thus hated by the entire smug hipster prick scene that created him, and RV being the 748th family movie starring Mork from Ork. In conclusion I will say it was a fun movie and at parts very funny. So if you are killing time in a dominantly Hispanic, beautiful, not walking friendly city before your comedy shows I would defiantly go see it. 

Things to be excited about in this movie. 
-Forced Dry Humor
-Bad fathers
-Gay children (Yay finally!!!)
-Sam Rockwell
-Hot Redhead Twins (joke)
-Unfinished plot lines

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